So, “the best person to rape is your wife”.
That repulsive sentence was uttered from the pulpit of a church, on Saturday, Nov, 13, 2021. I must tell you, this was the last place I expected to hear something like this, but my sisters, we are living in a different world today. A world where people feel it is their right to express thoughts, beliefs and ideas, no matter how damaging they are. The mere fact this pastor felt comfortable enough to preach this from a pulpit, is a telltale sign that he has his supporters.
Supporters who contribute to, or support the abuse of not only women, but of other church members who dare to defy what, they, think is right. Many church members are manipulated, judged harshly and inappropriately, and silently suffer abuse; all in the name of Christianity—FALSE Christianity that is. It is no wonder people either leave the church or want nothing to do with organized religion.
This type of abuse, known as spiritual abuse, is alive and well. Most of the time it is subtle, and lulls people into a state of denial because it is not recognized as abuse but accepted as something normal; something that God has sanctioned.
According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, spiritual abuse is a “church elder or faith leader inflicting abuse on congregation members, often by creating a toxic culture within the church or group by shaming or controlling members using the power of their position”. The website goes on to explain that spiritual abuse does not only refer to religious leaders but also include intimate partners.
“Signs of spiritual abuse between intimate partners include when an abusive partner:
- ridicules or insults the other person’s religious or spiritual beliefs
- prevents the other partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs
- uses their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them
- forces the children to be raised in a faith that the other partner has not agreed to
- uses religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors (such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse/marital rape)”
Church members can also inflict spiritual abuse on other members. On a couple of occasions, I have observed a greeter reprimanding young ladies in the foyer of the church about their attire because SHE felt what they were wearing was inappropriate for church. Imagine this is the first acknowledgement the young ladies got as they stepped through the front door of the church. Not even a “good morning” or “how was your week?” No wonder some never returned.
Hear me my sisters, don’t allow yourselves to be subjected to spiritual abuse or any abuse for that matter. God does not tolerate or advocate abuse, especially from leaders in the church. Read Ezekiel 34 (NLT) and see what He says.
History is paved with men who have used just one or two texts in the Bible to support the abuse of other races and the subjectation and abuse of women. The pulpit has been used on numerous occasions to COMMAND women to submit to husbands, but rarely do you hear the rest of that chapter being read—Ephesians 5:25-30 (NLT): 25For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.[a] 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.
Neither do we hear 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT): “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”
Yes, the truth is husbands are admonished to love their wives as Christ loves the church, to the point of being willing to die for her, and to love her as he loves his own body. There is also the chance that a husband’s prayers will not be heard by God himself, if that husband does not treat his wife well.
So, what does it tell you my sisters, when your husband does not treat you the way God expects them to treat you? And what does it tell you about a pastor who encourages men to rape their wives or to engage in any behavior that constitutes abuse? Maya Angelou’s famous quote gives us something to seriously consider: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It took me a little while to learn this myself.
But I digress… Let me get back on track.
Chances are, if you are reading this blog post, you have encountered some aspect of spiritual abuse, are in the midst of a spiritual abusive situation, or know someone who has experienced it. If this is the case, here are 3 ways that can help.
First, read the Bible for yourself.
Do not depend on a pastor, elder, church member or spouse to read or interpret scripture for you. You can accomplish this all by yourself. It will take you spending time in prayer and asking God to give you wisdom to understand what He is trying to say to you. This is what is says in James 1: 5 (NLT). 5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
So don’t be afraid to ask God for wisdom and for help in understanding His Word.
Also, read each chapter and verse in the Bible in context. In other words, read verses before and after the main verse you are reading and consider what the book is about. You may even need to look at the history of the book and the history behind what is written.
Don’t get me wrong, you can reach out to others for help, but don’t depend on them for your understanding of the Bible. Always do your own research.
Second, if the church you attend has a toxic culture, LEAVE and go to another church.
I had to do this on a couple of occasions, and it has proved to be one of the best things I have ever done.
Not all churches have toxic cultures, there are others out there that are welcoming and still teach God’s Word. Some leaders and members of a church I attended in the past, implored me to stay in an unhealthy environment and because I didn’t, I was ostracized and made to feel uncomfortable every time I attended services there. With God’s help I left both the unhealthy environment and that church’s toxic culture.
Being in a toxic environment can result in depression and anxiety. (A church with a toxic culture will tell you that if you are anxious and depressed, you don’t have a good prayer life…but this is another topic for another post at another time). Additionally, constant exposure to a harmful environment, can make you think you are crazy (when you aren’t) and can stunt your spiritual, emotional, and mental growth.
Think about it, have you ever seen growth in a church with a toxic culture? I can almost guarantee that if you leave such a church and come back to visit in ten years, the people who contributed to the toxic culture, will not have grown spiritually and emotionally since the first day you left. Why? Because they think they have achieved perfection and feel no need to change or to be better.
Third, remember that you are God’s daughter!
This means that you are precious in His sight and He will never forsake you (Psalm 139: 17 & 18; Duet. 31:6).It means that He loves you so much that He died for you (John 3:16).
Take the time to read the entire book of John, and Romans 8, and take in His love for you. Knowing how valuable you are to God and believing that you are, can help you gain the strength and courage to remove yourself from an abusive environment, whether it’s a church, home or work.
Final Thoughts
Spiritual abuse is alive and well in churches and even in some of our homes. There are many ways to avoid this type of abuse but you can begin with these 3 ways: read the Bible for yourself, if you attend a church that has a toxic culture LEAVE and go to another one, and never forget how valuable you are to God.
Additionally, don’t be afraid to get help from a healthcare professional, a trusted, non-toxic religious leader or organization, and organizations like the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. Get all the help you can to get yourself out of danger!
