Have you ever been hurt so badly that it shook your confidence? I know I have been, not just once, but a number of times.

If you live long enough, it will inevitably come your way. And when it does, you will be tempted to hold on to the pain you feel as a result of the hurt you experienced.

Holding on to pain and rehearsing what was done to you is easy, but if you do, I found that it only causes more pain and hurt especially when you see the person. who has hurt you.

Believe me. I know because I did this over and over again until one day, I got tired. Tired of not attending meetings or events where that person would be also. Tired of wasting precious time thinking about what that person did to me or how I could exact revenge.

So, I asked God to help me get through what I was experiencing and used writing to help. I enjoy journaling and during a particularly painful time in my life a poem flowed out of me. I am the first to admit that I am no poet, but the poem below was a way for me to process the pain I was experiencing while at the same time trying to figure out what to do with it.

I share this with you, that if by chance you are struggling with the pain someone has caused you, it will help you process what you may be going through and motivate you to make the decision to forgive whoever has hurt you.

In the poem you will recognize a process that I think each of us, who has forgiven anyone, has gone through.

First, recognize the pain and the effect it has on you.

Our journey toward regaining our confidence after we have been taken advantage of, begins with realizing the pain for what it is. Sometimes it is easier to ignore what is actually happening and bury the pain in an effort to hide the effects of someone else’s actions. While this may be appropriate for a short period of time, it is never good in the long-term. Burying pain only delays it from resurfacing at the most inopportune times in the form of anger, stress, anxiety, frustration and other negative emotions. So, don’t hide away from the pain, feel it for what it is and acknowledge the effect it has on you.

Second, spend time with God so He can help you deal with the pain you are experiencing.

This won’t happen overnight because pain takes time to heal. But I promise you that He always heals the pain. Be patient and stay really close to Him when it gets difficult. Never stop talking with Him but tell him how you are feeling and consistently ask Him to take away the pain.

Third, make a conscious decision to forgive the offender and then act on that decision as appropriate.

Yes, this is easier said than done, but it is possible with God’s help. Making the decision is easy, acting on it is hard. Acting on it may mean, not allowing the presence of the offender to prevent you from attending family functions or other activities. Acting on it may mean making the offender aware that what they did will no longer control your behavior. Only you will know what action is appropriate for the situation you have experienced.

Please note that with any one of these processes the help of a healthcare professional, religious leader, family, relative or friend may be helpful. Do not go through this journey alone. As Ecclesiastes 4:12, NLT says, “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”

To be completely transparent with you, I did not go through this process alone. I had the help of a qualified health professional, family, and friends.

Now, read the poem below and see if you can identify the three steps as explained above, and if you are willing, why not try them?

Forgive and Live

I saw you again today,

so, I turned and walked away.

Didn’t want to face you after all you did to me

because my pain and hurt was all I could see.

I trusted you,

loved you and cared for you.

But you stripped me of my dignity,

integrity and humanity.

I was just an instrument in your hand,

just ‘something’ you played in your band.

And with each pluck of the string

you were hoping I’d bring,

joy to you all year round.

But your words and actions

and your insensitive reactions,

tainted my innocent view of the world.

I had no choice but to hide away,

to curl up in a ball and stay.

And in my closet, I would pray and pray

To be somewhere else but here.

A piece of me died each time you hurt me

So, I became someone I no longer knew…

My life became black, gray and then blue.

You took me for granted,

“I didn’t know”, you chanted.

But you kept up the same behavior

Despite your claim to know the Savior.

Yet you never repented,

even though my soul you dented,

“Because”, as you argued, “I am not to blame”.

I saw you again today,

But this time I turned and walked your way.

You seemed surprised.

But I surmised,

that holding on to the pain,

left me nothing to gain.

So, I let it all go and held it at bay.

I let it all fall and tossed it away.

To be free and no longer a victim be,

I chose to forgive and move on,

I chose to forgive and won.

Forgive…

and forget?

No…how can I forget.

Forgive…

and live?

Yes, that I must.

Regain your confidence by forgiving

Choosing to forgive is never easy, but it may be necessary if you want to have peace of mind or continued self-confidence. Honestly, one thing I have learned is that when things affect us emotionally, every aspect of our lives seem to get out of whack, and it becomes difficult to focus on anything.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you accept or approve of what was done to you. What it really means is that you have chosen to live your life on your own terms and not on the terms of the person who has hurt you. So why not take your first step toward forgiving that person who hurt you?

Remember, you are fearfully and wonderfully made!